As long as I can remember I wanted to be independent. I never dreamt of fancy salaries or luxury living, all I craved for, was a life without any restriction. So if I want to eat a subway sandwich at 2250, I just go and pick it up, if I want to go and sit at the India gate at 0200 in the morning, I just do it and if I don’t want to wake up one fine morning, I wouldn’t leave my bed. That’s it. My independence was more related to my uninhibited comfort zone than materialistic things.

Things were picking up pace when suddenly I decided to marry. I wouldn’t say I regret getting married, it really has given me wonderful gifts to cherish. However, somewhere somehow I feel lost. I have everything that can possibly define a blissfully happy life in all societal terms, still, the emptiness doesn’t seem to go.

Marriages in our society have hardly got anything to do with the two individuals who are actually getting married. The families, the show-offs, the drama and the expenses; are the only visible things to a genuine mind. Ours was no different. I still remember spending my hard-earned money on something so temporary and irrelevant was slicing my heart, badly and quite painfully. I would’ve loved it more if we’d had been able to sit comfortably and looked at each other while getting married. I sincerely apologize to all those people who feel otherwise, but this is how I feel and this is how I had dreamt things.

I got married unhappily to eventually lead a happy life, which ultimately I did manage to carve out of hell negativity, hatred, resentments, and dislike. I wouldn’t deny, I did have to struggle rather I still am struggling but that doesn’t hurt me, the thing that pinches me the most is the changed me. I keep killing my desires to maintain peace, I continuously ignore myself to keep everyone in the house feel important. I don’t look at myself anymore. I was first when I was single, I became second when I got married and then third and then fourth and now I don’t know where do I stand.

They say everything has got a bad side and maybe this is the bad side of marriages in our society, where so much of hum-drum happens just to make a woman feel more and more alone with each passing moment. The irony is that we are so used to it, it doesn’t feel bad at all. You have ensured that she loses her complete identity in the name of being married and everyone feels so proud of it. ‘Ladki to bilkul hamare rang mein rang gayi’, every time I listen to this from the relatives, I can’t stop myself from staring at the person, “do you even bother otherwise?”.

Can someone please look at her. She is missing her mom. She doesn’t want to wear that sari. No, she doesn’t like your brother. She wants to sleep now. She wants to drive. Kids were supposed to be equal responsibility. Why can’t she work full time now? The constant pressure she is living under, she would break down today or tomorrow. Are you trying to challenge her limits? Have you bothered to give a glance on her beautiful face? Her skin has lost the glow. She is always tired. She doesn’t sing in the shower anymore. She doesn’t demand anything anymore. She smiles all the time.

Why do our marriages leave us so alone at every stage? I just wish I should stay long to teach my son how to keep the woman in his life. The one who sacrifices her everything to be with you deserves your undivided attention, without any compromise. I just wish he develops the wisdom and courage to stand for his better half. I just wish he never gives her a moment where she feels anything less than what she had dreamt for herself. I wish one day he’d understand what it means to treat her like a queen and I wish that day comes soon in his life.

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